i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
