If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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