So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
