____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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