I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
