I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
