I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
