just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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