This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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