I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
