My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
