Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
