I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
