last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
