Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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