I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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