Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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