I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
