I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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