Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
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