apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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