No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
