Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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