the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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