It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
