my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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