I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
