please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
