You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My bed smells like the plague
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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