I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
