Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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