It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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