My balls are so social today.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
