When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
