I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
