My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
