You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
