My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
