Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
