my being single is dangerous.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
