Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
