Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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