I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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