cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
