foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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