bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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