I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
