If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
