I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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