If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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